I Can't Hear You. LA LA LA LA!!!

After being in excruciating pain this weekend (it's better today, but I'm not back to normal) and having no real Flo to show for it... I finally called my midwife yesterday.

I needed some insight. Based on my own powers of deduction, I couldn't figure out what to make of the following:

1. Spotting Th, Fr and then off and on Sat and Sun
2. Temperature dropping slowly every day...
3. Extremely sensitive abdomen (my cat stepped on me and I screamed)
4. Painful PAINFUL cramps that kept coming and going...

Sunday I decided to take a HPT. I was pretty sure that if I got a BFP that would not be a good thing. The pain + dropping temperature signified Flo or impending doom for a pregnancy.

The test spat back at me: Not Pregnant

Mixed emotions immediately consumed me. Relief and, of course, disappointment. But mostly relief.

Yesterday I was certain I would see Flo in all her glory... but, nada. Which is what prompted the call to the midwife. She asked me a bunch of questions and then told me she'd call my surgeon and get back to me. She didn't sound concerned (especially since if I had an infection I would have a fever). When she called back she told me that it was most certainly normal. And this was just my first Flo post surgery. I might not see anymore of her this go around. Which is why it is extremely important for us to wait another full cycle before trying to get pregnant.

I immediately became defiant.

"But I'm old!" I told her, ironically sounding like a bratty child.

She calmly told me that my body was obviously not fully ready, yet. And that if we rushed into conceiving again I could very well be met with another unhealthy pregnancy. She pointed out that, in the great scheme of things, waiting one more month was practically nothing. And worth the sacrifice if it would give us a better chance next go around.

I didn't want to hear her. But I did. I heard her loud and clear.

I spent the rest of the day bargaining with myself. If this really was Flo and I don't see her in full force, I will wait. I have to. I owe it to my body and my baby-to-be. But if she shows up to party... well... I might just keep that party going...

Today I am in acceptance mode. That was Flo. And she barely made a blip because my body hasn't healed, yet. I may not look, feel, or act my age - but I am 37 and I need to let my body get as strong as possible before trying again. And so... today... I am listening.

Aw, Mittelschmerz!

My husband and I realized the other night how much fun it is to say, "Mittelschmerz!" to each other in our most convincing German accents. Go ahead. Give it a try!

MITTELSCHMERZ!

The notsomuch fun part? Actually experiencing it.

When I was in my early 20's I began suffering from a recurring paralyzing pain in my lower abdomen.  I'd be in the middle of dinner with friends or worse, a date, when the pain would start slowly... creeping up on me with subtle cues. The first sign was as if I had eaten something gaseous. Like a barrel of beans. But the feeling was way more crippling than gas pains. Within a few short moments, my lower body would bloat noticeably and the pain would deepen. Turning a night out socializing into a complete failure. I remember the empathetic looks of concerned friends, suggesting I go to the doctor. I would tell them, "I think I'm ovulating" before I would hobble off and head straight home in a cab, clutching my side as if dying from appendicitis.  My ovulation theory seemed to make the most sense. This started happening almost every month about halfway through my cycle. So I used my deductive nature to piece the clues together. I thought (hoped) this must be normal. And as I recently discovered, it most certainly is.

Mittelschmerz, as it turns out, happens to 20% of women right around ovulation. I've read varying opinions as to what causes it. Could be the egg bursting through the ovarian wall. Could have something to do with follicular growth. One thing is certain - it is nothing to be worried about. In fact, it's a blessing in disguise. Mittelschmerz actually alerts you (in a really painful way) that you're ovulating. And this is important news for anyone wanting to get (or avoid getting) pregnant.

I feel like a bit of an idiot. All these years I thought I knew about my body. But I really didn't. I mean reallllly really didn't.

One of my best friends recommended the book, "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" to get-to-know the not-so-mysterious signs and signals of our bodies. I bought it right when we started trying to get pregnant and barely made it past the first page. I was afraid it was TOO scientific. I got scared. I didn't want to have to THINK about getting pregnant. I just wanted to do what billions of people have done for ages. Sleep with my husband and make a baby. Ta-daaa!

After the miscarriage, I picked the book back up again. I practically devoured the pages, reading the first 60 straight through. It wasn't high science. It was full of "aha" moments. It was here that I first read about Mittelschmerz.

It's amazing the plethora of information that I've learned in the past few weeks. My body has been communicating with me for 20 some-odd years in a language I didn't understand. There was the "gross, disgusting, stuff" that I kept hush-hush about which turns out to be perfectly normal (and healthy) cervical fluid necessary for making babies. Which shows up just prior to ovulation, screaming at you, "we're fertile now"! I learned that sperm can live up to five days, that tracking your "waking temperature" and cervical fluid is the most reliable way to deduce exactly when you're at your peak fertility, and that your temperature goes up anywhere from .4 - 1 degree right after you've ovulated.

I've been tracking my waking temperature every morning with the help of my husband (*as an aside, he's not actually necessary, but it's a nice way to keep the hubby involved). The past few days my temperature was exactly the same: 97.5. And after my "Mittelshmerz" pains on Friday into Saturday I wondered... does this REALLY mean I'm ovulating? Will my temperature increase on Sunday morning? Today my waking temperature was 97.9.

Ta-freaking-daaa!

Baby-making should be fun, spontaneous and enjoyable. But knowing a little bit about your body ain't such a bad thing either.