I Can't Hear You. LA LA LA LA!!!

After being in excruciating pain this weekend (it's better today, but I'm not back to normal) and having no real Flo to show for it... I finally called my midwife yesterday.

I needed some insight. Based on my own powers of deduction, I couldn't figure out what to make of the following:

1. Spotting Th, Fr and then off and on Sat and Sun
2. Temperature dropping slowly every day...
3. Extremely sensitive abdomen (my cat stepped on me and I screamed)
4. Painful PAINFUL cramps that kept coming and going...

Sunday I decided to take a HPT. I was pretty sure that if I got a BFP that would not be a good thing. The pain + dropping temperature signified Flo or impending doom for a pregnancy.

The test spat back at me: Not Pregnant

Mixed emotions immediately consumed me. Relief and, of course, disappointment. But mostly relief.

Yesterday I was certain I would see Flo in all her glory... but, nada. Which is what prompted the call to the midwife. She asked me a bunch of questions and then told me she'd call my surgeon and get back to me. She didn't sound concerned (especially since if I had an infection I would have a fever). When she called back she told me that it was most certainly normal. And this was just my first Flo post surgery. I might not see anymore of her this go around. Which is why it is extremely important for us to wait another full cycle before trying to get pregnant.

I immediately became defiant.

"But I'm old!" I told her, ironically sounding like a bratty child.

She calmly told me that my body was obviously not fully ready, yet. And that if we rushed into conceiving again I could very well be met with another unhealthy pregnancy. She pointed out that, in the great scheme of things, waiting one more month was practically nothing. And worth the sacrifice if it would give us a better chance next go around.

I didn't want to hear her. But I did. I heard her loud and clear.

I spent the rest of the day bargaining with myself. If this really was Flo and I don't see her in full force, I will wait. I have to. I owe it to my body and my baby-to-be. But if she shows up to party... well... I might just keep that party going...

Today I am in acceptance mode. That was Flo. And she barely made a blip because my body hasn't healed, yet. I may not look, feel, or act my age - but I am 37 and I need to let my body get as strong as possible before trying again. And so... today... I am listening.

Waiting For Flo

When you're trying to get pregnant, Aunt Flo is the dreaded enemy. Every month you cross your fingers that she's spared you. Every day without a sign of her is a good day. And once you get pregnant you hope she stays the hell away. Because our pregnancy had such cryptic signs in the beginning I was constantly checking my underwear and toilet paper for a glimpse of Flo. I never spotted during my ill-fated pregnancy. Not once.

Today, things are different. Flo is like my long lost friend I've recently reconnected with on facebook. I am waiting for her arrival day after day after day. This time, she will have a long awaited homecoming. Imaginary streamers, balloons, and fireworks for Flo.

Although many people are not emotionally ready for awhile after a miscarriage, we are. We are so ready that we would start trying again today if it was doctor approved. Technically, we could get pregnant right now. But it's not advised. You should let your body recover, let the uterus shed what it needs to and allow the lining build back up (note: these are not actual medical facts - just what my brain processed at the midwife's office this morning). My midwife (and surgeon) both said we should wait a full cycle. As in... ovulate... get Flo... ovulate... get Flo... and THEN start trying. I balked at this instantly. I'm 37. My husband is about to be 44. We're no spring chickens. My midwife smiled and said we didn't have to wait a full cycle. She said it was O-K to start doing it after we got Flo.

So I wait... patiently...

PS. My two weeks of "nothing in vagina" is officially over. Hoorah for tampons once Flo shows up!