Fertility Drill Sergeant

When my husband and I started ttcing back in July we weren't so formal about it. I'd had an iphone app that "guessed" at my most fertile days based around my period start date and duration. We did it when we felt like it and tried to get it in during those potentially fertile days.

This cycle, everything changed.

I became a drill sergeant. I had a non-negotiable schedule for "doing the deed" and by now I had figured out how to tell if I was at my peak fertility, plus which day I'd most likely ovulated. We were definitely not ttc-ing in the dark anymore. Quite literally. I decided that mornings were our best bet. Sometimes after a rough day at the office the last thing you have energy for is baby-making. I hadn't fully factored in how much work my husband was going to have to put into these attempts. It's not like your typical nookie when you're both in the mood so you go for it. This is different. You may not be in the mood at all, but you better get in the mood and fast. Fertility drill sergeant says, "Drop your pants!"

This round of trying was definitely lacking spontaneity and romance, but it didn't lack in intimacy. For the first time, we were completely locked into the same goal. It's something we both wanted before. But it's something we both want even more now. There was a real emphasis on the "trying" in trying to conceive. We definitely gave it our all. And that's all we could do.

So now it's up to biology, the universe, God, and a little wishful thinking...

I'm Baaaaaack

No, I'm not announcing a new pregnancy, just a new beginning.

I haven't posted in awhile because I had to put my thoughts of TTCing on the back burner while I waited for my cycle to get back to normal. Sure, I could've continued to post about my thoughts and hopes for the future, but I felt like I needed a mental break from thinking so much about it. In the past month+ I didn't lose track of my goals. I've changed my diet to one that will be easier to maintain next time I get a BFP, eating almost entirely organically. And I've been consistently going to my acupuncture treatments. I've been listening to my meditation mp3 (Visualizing Pregnancy) to get myself psyched up.

And a few weeks ago I got my first normal AF since the miscarriage. After feeling disappointed and let down by my body I was able to celebrate it once again. And all of the incredible resiliency that I have inside me both mentally and physically.

I feel as though a switch has flipped. And although there are still some parts of the pregnancy process that scare me (going back to get an u/s, getting bloodwork results, etc) - I have been focusing my energies on all of the excitement I will feel. How everything will go RIGHT this time. That I am lucky. And that our time is coming...

So, I'm feeling hopeful. And working towards getting that BFP...

It is good to be back.

WARNING: This may make you sick to your stomach

My friend, Jen, just posted this article on facebook with a caption that it made her feel sick to her stomach. I couldn't agree more. I have not read the full article, yet, but feel compelled to post it based on the short snapshot I was able to digest before becoming, literally, nauseous.

If this law passed and I lived in GA, I might be in prison right now:

http://motherjones.com/blue-marble/2011/02/miscarriage-death-penalty-georgia

I Can't Hear You. LA LA LA LA!!!

After being in excruciating pain this weekend (it's better today, but I'm not back to normal) and having no real Flo to show for it... I finally called my midwife yesterday.

I needed some insight. Based on my own powers of deduction, I couldn't figure out what to make of the following:

1. Spotting Th, Fr and then off and on Sat and Sun
2. Temperature dropping slowly every day...
3. Extremely sensitive abdomen (my cat stepped on me and I screamed)
4. Painful PAINFUL cramps that kept coming and going...

Sunday I decided to take a HPT. I was pretty sure that if I got a BFP that would not be a good thing. The pain + dropping temperature signified Flo or impending doom for a pregnancy.

The test spat back at me: Not Pregnant

Mixed emotions immediately consumed me. Relief and, of course, disappointment. But mostly relief.

Yesterday I was certain I would see Flo in all her glory... but, nada. Which is what prompted the call to the midwife. She asked me a bunch of questions and then told me she'd call my surgeon and get back to me. She didn't sound concerned (especially since if I had an infection I would have a fever). When she called back she told me that it was most certainly normal. And this was just my first Flo post surgery. I might not see anymore of her this go around. Which is why it is extremely important for us to wait another full cycle before trying to get pregnant.

I immediately became defiant.

"But I'm old!" I told her, ironically sounding like a bratty child.

She calmly told me that my body was obviously not fully ready, yet. And that if we rushed into conceiving again I could very well be met with another unhealthy pregnancy. She pointed out that, in the great scheme of things, waiting one more month was practically nothing. And worth the sacrifice if it would give us a better chance next go around.

I didn't want to hear her. But I did. I heard her loud and clear.

I spent the rest of the day bargaining with myself. If this really was Flo and I don't see her in full force, I will wait. I have to. I owe it to my body and my baby-to-be. But if she shows up to party... well... I might just keep that party going...

Today I am in acceptance mode. That was Flo. And she barely made a blip because my body hasn't healed, yet. I may not look, feel, or act my age - but I am 37 and I need to let my body get as strong as possible before trying again. And so... today... I am listening.

Aunt Flo is a Mother...

My d&e was on Jan 7th. Exactly four weeks later - this past Thursday - I started spotting. Light spotting. Because of our "oops" moment there was a slight chance it was implantation bleeding. If you have implantation bleeding you pretty much spot for 1-2 days. Your temperature may even "dip". Which mine had. So I was in a bit of limbo for the past few days. But since I've been charting I watched my temperature continue to drop yesterday and barely go up today. If I was pregnant, it should have increased significantly...

Thursday spotting. Friday spotting. This morning nothing. But last I checked... it looks like Flo has, indeed, arrived.

OK... here we go, Flo!

I was ready with my mental streamers and balloons to welcome her back, but her arrival has felt a lot less like a party and more like a war. I need my advil soldiers to fight on my behalf, fending off cramps like I have never experienced before.

Usually cramps like this have something to show for them. You feel some progress when those cramps are accompanied by a heavy flow. But she's been taunting me. As I continue to spot lightly, the cramps are wrenching. It feels like I've been confined to a menstrual torture chamber.

I've been scouring the web chat rooms for other women's experiences after a d&e (or d&c) and there are all kinds of stories. Some women have completely normal periods, some have cramps like mine, and others report the heaviest flow they've ever seen. I'm still waiting for Flo's flow, but these cramps are unbelievable.

As I type this post, I sit with a warm body wrap covering my midsection. I've popped 6 advil gelcaps so far and I'm seriously considering the hard stuff. This is rough. But it's worth it. C'mon Flo... let's get this over with so I can get back to charting, back to trying, and back to having hope.

Don't Pop Pills

I just read this disturbing story on msnbc about a pregnant woman who was accidentally given a drug that is used to terminate early pregnancies. The pharmacy gave her some other woman's prescription and she took it (thinking it was her antibiotics), got sick, and was rushed to the hospital. She is 6 weeks along and now may either have a miscarriage or her baby could end up with birth defects.

Here's the article:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/41481554/ns/health-womens_health/

I have all sorts of thoughts rolling around in my head from, "WHY would a pregnant woman take pills without reading anything on the warning label?" to "HOW could a pharmacy screw up in such a major way and they damn well better figure out a way to compensate this woman." And by "compensate" I don't mean dump a lot of money on her to make things better. But I mean own up to what happened and cover any and all of her expenses to get her special pre-natal treatment.

Lots of pills are unsafe for pregnant women. But this is one mother of a reminder to never ever put anything in your body without going over the label with a fine tooth comb.

Yoga and Fertility

A friend of mine sent me this article the other day:

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/06/fashion/06yoga.html?_r=1

I thought it was a good read and opens up a bit of a debate about yoga's role in fertility. My take away is that there is no concrete evidence that practicing yoga has a direct connection to getting yourself knocked up, but it does provide a great environment to relieve stress and keep your mind and body focused on your baby-making intentions.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that there is no magical, wand-waving, quick fix to having a healthy pregnancy. But no matter how long it takes to get there, I must find a way to remain positive. And if yoga helps me feel even the slightest degree of hope - then that works for me.