My friend, Jen, just posted this article on facebook with a caption that it made her feel sick to her stomach. I couldn't agree more. I have not read the full article, yet, but feel compelled to post it based on the short snapshot I was able to digest before becoming, literally, nauseous.
If this law passed and I lived in GA, I might be in prison right now:
http://motherjones.com/blue-marble/2011/02/miscarriage-death-penalty-georgia
Friday, February 25, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
I Can't Hear You. LA LA LA LA!!!
After being in excruciating pain this weekend (it's better today, but I'm not back to normal) and having no real Flo to show for it... I finally called my midwife yesterday.
I needed some insight. Based on my own powers of deduction, I couldn't figure out what to make of the following:
1. Spotting Th, Fr and then off and on Sat and Sun
2. Temperature dropping slowly every day...
3. Extremely sensitive abdomen (my cat stepped on me and I screamed)
4. Painful PAINFUL cramps that kept coming and going...
Sunday I decided to take a HPT. I was pretty sure that if I got a BFP that would not be a good thing. The pain + dropping temperature signified Flo or impending doom for a pregnancy.
The test spat back at me: Not Pregnant
Mixed emotions immediately consumed me. Relief and, of course, disappointment. But mostly relief.
Yesterday I was certain I would see Flo in all her glory... but, nada. Which is what prompted the call to the midwife. She asked me a bunch of questions and then told me she'd call my surgeon and get back to me. She didn't sound concerned (especially since if I had an infection I would have a fever). When she called back she told me that it was most certainly normal. And this was just my first Flo post surgery. I might not see anymore of her this go around. Which is why it is extremely important for us to wait another full cycle before trying to get pregnant.
I immediately became defiant.
"But I'm old!" I told her, ironically sounding like a bratty child.
She calmly told me that my body was obviously not fully ready, yet. And that if we rushed into conceiving again I could very well be met with another unhealthy pregnancy. She pointed out that, in the great scheme of things, waiting one more month was practically nothing. And worth the sacrifice if it would give us a better chance next go around.
I didn't want to hear her. But I did. I heard her loud and clear.
I spent the rest of the day bargaining with myself. If this really was Flo and I don't see her in full force, I will wait. I have to. I owe it to my body and my baby-to-be. But if she shows up to party... well... I might just keep that party going...
Today I am in acceptance mode. That was Flo. And she barely made a blip because my body hasn't healed, yet. I may not look, feel, or act my age - but I am 37 and I need to let my body get as strong as possible before trying again. And so... today... I am listening.
I needed some insight. Based on my own powers of deduction, I couldn't figure out what to make of the following:
1. Spotting Th, Fr and then off and on Sat and Sun
2. Temperature dropping slowly every day...
3. Extremely sensitive abdomen (my cat stepped on me and I screamed)
4. Painful PAINFUL cramps that kept coming and going...
Sunday I decided to take a HPT. I was pretty sure that if I got a BFP that would not be a good thing. The pain + dropping temperature signified Flo or impending doom for a pregnancy.
The test spat back at me: Not Pregnant
Mixed emotions immediately consumed me. Relief and, of course, disappointment. But mostly relief.
Yesterday I was certain I would see Flo in all her glory... but, nada. Which is what prompted the call to the midwife. She asked me a bunch of questions and then told me she'd call my surgeon and get back to me. She didn't sound concerned (especially since if I had an infection I would have a fever). When she called back she told me that it was most certainly normal. And this was just my first Flo post surgery. I might not see anymore of her this go around. Which is why it is extremely important for us to wait another full cycle before trying to get pregnant.
I immediately became defiant.
"But I'm old!" I told her, ironically sounding like a bratty child.
She calmly told me that my body was obviously not fully ready, yet. And that if we rushed into conceiving again I could very well be met with another unhealthy pregnancy. She pointed out that, in the great scheme of things, waiting one more month was practically nothing. And worth the sacrifice if it would give us a better chance next go around.
I didn't want to hear her. But I did. I heard her loud and clear.
I spent the rest of the day bargaining with myself. If this really was Flo and I don't see her in full force, I will wait. I have to. I owe it to my body and my baby-to-be. But if she shows up to party... well... I might just keep that party going...
Today I am in acceptance mode. That was Flo. And she barely made a blip because my body hasn't healed, yet. I may not look, feel, or act my age - but I am 37 and I need to let my body get as strong as possible before trying again. And so... today... I am listening.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Aunt Flo is a Mother...
My d&e was on Jan 7th. Exactly four weeks later - this past Thursday - I started spotting. Light spotting. Because of our "oops" moment there was a slight chance it was implantation bleeding. If you have implantation bleeding you pretty much spot for 1-2 days. Your temperature may even "dip". Which mine had. So I was in a bit of limbo for the past few days. But since I've been charting I watched my temperature continue to drop yesterday and barely go up today. If I was pregnant, it should have increased significantly...
Thursday spotting. Friday spotting. This morning nothing. But last I checked... it looks like Flo has, indeed, arrived.
OK... here we go, Flo!
I was ready with my mental streamers and balloons to welcome her back, but her arrival has felt a lot less like a party and more like a war. I need my advil soldiers to fight on my behalf, fending off cramps like I have never experienced before.
Usually cramps like this have something to show for them. You feel some progress when those cramps are accompanied by a heavy flow. But she's been taunting me. As I continue to spot lightly, the cramps are wrenching. It feels like I've been confined to a menstrual torture chamber.
I've been scouring the web chat rooms for other women's experiences after a d&e (or d&c) and there are all kinds of stories. Some women have completely normal periods, some have cramps like mine, and others report the heaviest flow they've ever seen. I'm still waiting for Flo's flow, but these cramps are unbelievable.
As I type this post, I sit with a warm body wrap covering my midsection. I've popped 6 advil gelcaps so far and I'm seriously considering the hard stuff. This is rough. But it's worth it. C'mon Flo... let's get this over with so I can get back to charting, back to trying, and back to having hope.
Thursday spotting. Friday spotting. This morning nothing. But last I checked... it looks like Flo has, indeed, arrived.
OK... here we go, Flo!
I was ready with my mental streamers and balloons to welcome her back, but her arrival has felt a lot less like a party and more like a war. I need my advil soldiers to fight on my behalf, fending off cramps like I have never experienced before.
Usually cramps like this have something to show for them. You feel some progress when those cramps are accompanied by a heavy flow. But she's been taunting me. As I continue to spot lightly, the cramps are wrenching. It feels like I've been confined to a menstrual torture chamber.
I've been scouring the web chat rooms for other women's experiences after a d&e (or d&c) and there are all kinds of stories. Some women have completely normal periods, some have cramps like mine, and others report the heaviest flow they've ever seen. I'm still waiting for Flo's flow, but these cramps are unbelievable.
As I type this post, I sit with a warm body wrap covering my midsection. I've popped 6 advil gelcaps so far and I'm seriously considering the hard stuff. This is rough. But it's worth it. C'mon Flo... let's get this over with so I can get back to charting, back to trying, and back to having hope.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
Don't Pop Pills
I just read this disturbing story on msnbc about a pregnant woman who was accidentally given a drug that is used to terminate early pregnancies. The pharmacy gave her some other woman's prescription and she took it (thinking it was her antibiotics), got sick, and was rushed to the hospital. She is 6 weeks along and now may either have a miscarriage or her baby could end up with birth defects.
Here's the article:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/41481554/ns/health-womens_health/
I have all sorts of thoughts rolling around in my head from, "WHY would a pregnant woman take pills without reading anything on the warning label?" to "HOW could a pharmacy screw up in such a major way and they damn well better figure out a way to compensate this woman." And by "compensate" I don't mean dump a lot of money on her to make things better. But I mean own up to what happened and cover any and all of her expenses to get her special pre-natal treatment.
Lots of pills are unsafe for pregnant women. But this is one mother of a reminder to never ever put anything in your body without going over the label with a fine tooth comb.
Here's the article:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/41481554/ns/health-womens_health/
I have all sorts of thoughts rolling around in my head from, "WHY would a pregnant woman take pills without reading anything on the warning label?" to "HOW could a pharmacy screw up in such a major way and they damn well better figure out a way to compensate this woman." And by "compensate" I don't mean dump a lot of money on her to make things better. But I mean own up to what happened and cover any and all of her expenses to get her special pre-natal treatment.
Lots of pills are unsafe for pregnant women. But this is one mother of a reminder to never ever put anything in your body without going over the label with a fine tooth comb.
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Yoga and Fertility
A friend of mine sent me this article the other day:
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/06/fashion/06yoga.html?_r=1
I thought it was a good read and opens up a bit of a debate about yoga's role in fertility. My take away is that there is no concrete evidence that practicing yoga has a direct connection to getting yourself knocked up, but it does provide a great environment to relieve stress and keep your mind and body focused on your baby-making intentions.
I'm coming to terms with the fact that there is no magical, wand-waving, quick fix to having a healthy pregnancy. But no matter how long it takes to get there, I must find a way to remain positive. And if yoga helps me feel even the slightest degree of hope - then that works for me.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Damn You, Dr. Laura
While living in NYC for 12 years, my daily commute had a very distinct pattern. Pre-Apple's explosion across society, I would grab my SONY walkman, a mix tape, and pop on my headphones. Years later, my ipod and earbuds. Always plugging my ears with some sort of pleasant soundtrack to transport me to and from my job.
Right before settling into my suburban lifestyle, I realized I would need a new routine. My commute is 45 minutes each way (on a good day) so I had to find something to keep me company. My husband introduced me to Sirius XM - filled with "commercial-free music", stand up comedy, news channels, and call-in shows. Immediately I was drawn to the All 80s All The Time channel. Every once in awhile drifting up to the 90s channel. When needing energy, the Dance Music channel. And when needing a laugh, the Comedy channels.
One day, while flipping through comedy stations I went one station too far and landed on Dr. Laura's advice show. At first, I was appalled at the way she spoke to her callers and, often, the advice she gave them. She sounded incredibly judgmental and extremely right-wing. My politics fall somewhere in the middle, a bit to the left. Extremists at both ends bug me. And she was bugging me for sure.
But there was something about listening to her shows that I found addictive. Perhaps the fact that she could get me so mad that I'd be heckling her from the protection of my car. Perhaps the fact that sometimes, just sometimes, she said something I agreed with. And perhaps, worst of all, the fact that occasionally she would say something that I didn't want to hear, but knew in my heart was right.
Dr. Laura has a famous expression that her callers often say when they introduce themselves. "I am my husband's girlfriend and my children's mom." At first I thought this was odd. But the more I listened, I realized what the point was. Dr. Laura bangs women over the head with how you should treat your husband, not be a bitch, and make him feel loved. Now, I take her advice and perspective with a grain of salt, but I can honestly say that listening to her has made me appreciate my husband more and be a lot less argumentative and nit-picky about stupid crap. One caller was complaining about her husband leaving things all over the house and how she was constantly yelling at him and he kept getting mad at her. Dr. Laura showed no empathy. She simply said, "Why are you such a bitch?" I gasped. Literally gasped. But then I listened to her rationale. This woman was purely focusing on the little stupid annoying things her husband was doing, and giving him a hard time about everything. Dr. Laura asked, "Would you want to come home to you?" To further nail her point, she mentioned a woman who had lost her husband and had told Dr. Laura, "I'd give anything to have my husband leaving his socks all over my floor again." This put things in perspective for me. I have been working much harder at not being bitchy and to make my husband feel loved and appreciated.
But something else Dr. Laura always preaches about has not been as easy to reconcile. It has to do with that, "I'm my children's mom" mantra.
Dr. Laura believes that women should be stay-at-home moms. Period. There is no, "But, I want to balance a career and my kids..." There is no, "But I won't be able to afford my current lifestyle..." There is no room to negotiate at all. Well, there is a tiny bit of leeway. She is OK with dads being at home with the kids, but she still makes it very clear that this is a 2nd best scenario. Nothing is as good as having moms at home with their kids.
Now, let me clarify for a moment that I would LOVE to be a stay-at-home mom. I love my home. I love being at home. I am, and always have been, a homebody. My mom was a work-at-home mom. She works in a creative field and had projects she had to turn in every couple of months. But she was so fast at her craft that she was hardly ever "working" and was most always available for me and my brother. My dream is to do what she did. I'd love to be able to write from home, be with my children, and create a warm and loving environment for them. But... that feels more like a fantasy and far from a reality.
I already feel inadequate and I'm not even pregnant (again), yet. I'm afraid of screwing up my unborn children. I have always had mixed feelings about being a working mom v. a stay-at-home mom... It's been a great debate for many many moms and moms-to-be... Can we be either and still be amazing mothers to our children? Or do we miss out on something... something big... if we can't be there with them all the time?
For me, the debate continues...
Right before settling into my suburban lifestyle, I realized I would need a new routine. My commute is 45 minutes each way (on a good day) so I had to find something to keep me company. My husband introduced me to Sirius XM - filled with "commercial-free music", stand up comedy, news channels, and call-in shows. Immediately I was drawn to the All 80s All The Time channel. Every once in awhile drifting up to the 90s channel. When needing energy, the Dance Music channel. And when needing a laugh, the Comedy channels.
One day, while flipping through comedy stations I went one station too far and landed on Dr. Laura's advice show. At first, I was appalled at the way she spoke to her callers and, often, the advice she gave them. She sounded incredibly judgmental and extremely right-wing. My politics fall somewhere in the middle, a bit to the left. Extremists at both ends bug me. And she was bugging me for sure.
But there was something about listening to her shows that I found addictive. Perhaps the fact that she could get me so mad that I'd be heckling her from the protection of my car. Perhaps the fact that sometimes, just sometimes, she said something I agreed with. And perhaps, worst of all, the fact that occasionally she would say something that I didn't want to hear, but knew in my heart was right.
Dr. Laura has a famous expression that her callers often say when they introduce themselves. "I am my husband's girlfriend and my children's mom." At first I thought this was odd. But the more I listened, I realized what the point was. Dr. Laura bangs women over the head with how you should treat your husband, not be a bitch, and make him feel loved. Now, I take her advice and perspective with a grain of salt, but I can honestly say that listening to her has made me appreciate my husband more and be a lot less argumentative and nit-picky about stupid crap. One caller was complaining about her husband leaving things all over the house and how she was constantly yelling at him and he kept getting mad at her. Dr. Laura showed no empathy. She simply said, "Why are you such a bitch?" I gasped. Literally gasped. But then I listened to her rationale. This woman was purely focusing on the little stupid annoying things her husband was doing, and giving him a hard time about everything. Dr. Laura asked, "Would you want to come home to you?" To further nail her point, she mentioned a woman who had lost her husband and had told Dr. Laura, "I'd give anything to have my husband leaving his socks all over my floor again." This put things in perspective for me. I have been working much harder at not being bitchy and to make my husband feel loved and appreciated.
But something else Dr. Laura always preaches about has not been as easy to reconcile. It has to do with that, "I'm my children's mom" mantra.
Dr. Laura believes that women should be stay-at-home moms. Period. There is no, "But, I want to balance a career and my kids..." There is no, "But I won't be able to afford my current lifestyle..." There is no room to negotiate at all. Well, there is a tiny bit of leeway. She is OK with dads being at home with the kids, but she still makes it very clear that this is a 2nd best scenario. Nothing is as good as having moms at home with their kids.
Now, let me clarify for a moment that I would LOVE to be a stay-at-home mom. I love my home. I love being at home. I am, and always have been, a homebody. My mom was a work-at-home mom. She works in a creative field and had projects she had to turn in every couple of months. But she was so fast at her craft that she was hardly ever "working" and was most always available for me and my brother. My dream is to do what she did. I'd love to be able to write from home, be with my children, and create a warm and loving environment for them. But... that feels more like a fantasy and far from a reality.
I already feel inadequate and I'm not even pregnant (again), yet. I'm afraid of screwing up my unborn children. I have always had mixed feelings about being a working mom v. a stay-at-home mom... It's been a great debate for many many moms and moms-to-be... Can we be either and still be amazing mothers to our children? Or do we miss out on something... something big... if we can't be there with them all the time?
For me, the debate continues...
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Ooops!... I did it again
Perhaps my not-so-subtle title can shed some light on the topic of this post. In case you haven't guessed it, this has to do with trying to conceive (ttc). In my earlier post, "Waiting For Flo" I mentioned how my midwife and surgeon has suggested waiting a bit to start ttc again. The original suggestion was to wait til I'd hung out with Flo twice. But I'm not that patient. We were planning to wait at least until I saw her once. But... ooops!
I'm also still learning about the birds and the bees. Dang. I thought I had it down. I thought you couldn't get pregnant after you ovulated. But then I did a little research post-you-know-what-al and read that a day or so after ovulation is still considered an extremely fertile time! Um... what??
Why do we learn sex ed in 5th grade? Some of us need a refresher course. I think there should be ttc classes for those of us that never quite got all the nuts and bolts of baby-making.
So where does that put us? Well, it's probably a one in a million chance that we got pregnant after this ooops moment. And I have a whole mixture of feelings about it. Obviously - tremendous amounts of excitement that we could be starting back up again. But also a little tentative - I still haven't lost any of the weight I put on from the 1st pregnancy. And I've heard both positive and negative stories about getting pregnant immediately after miscarrying... But you know me. I will focus on the positive.
So, I wait... and visualize... and manifest... and take damn good care of myself.
I'm also still learning about the birds and the bees. Dang. I thought I had it down. I thought you couldn't get pregnant after you ovulated. But then I did a little research post-you-know-what-al and read that a day or so after ovulation is still considered an extremely fertile time! Um... what??
Why do we learn sex ed in 5th grade? Some of us need a refresher course. I think there should be ttc classes for those of us that never quite got all the nuts and bolts of baby-making.
So where does that put us? Well, it's probably a one in a million chance that we got pregnant after this ooops moment. And I have a whole mixture of feelings about it. Obviously - tremendous amounts of excitement that we could be starting back up again. But also a little tentative - I still haven't lost any of the weight I put on from the 1st pregnancy. And I've heard both positive and negative stories about getting pregnant immediately after miscarrying... But you know me. I will focus on the positive.
So, I wait... and visualize... and manifest... and take damn good care of myself.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Be Trendy. Get Pregnant.
I have been fairly good about not being bitter since the loss of our pregnancy. Several of my close friends are currently pregnant with healthy babies on the way and I couldn't be happier for them. I look to them for inspiration. And as mommies-in-training who can shed some light on this whole motherhood thing once I get my shot at it.
However...
I just read on my People Mag iphone app about one celeb's "trendy" pregnancy and had an emotional gag reflex. Yes, in Hollywood there are about 10 gazillion pregnant women right now. And it's ALWAYS a headline in my app updates. At first, I really had a hard time reading about the women "due sometime this summer" because that was supposed to be me. But that doesn't hurt so much anymore. What really irked me was the use of trendy as if pregnancy is the new black. It seemed to demean the energy and effort that goes into baby-making and the fact that some of us can't just snap our fingers and get the latest trend for ourselves.
Maybe I am a little bitter. But only a little.
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