Maternity Clothes Part 1

Let me start off by saying I'm not sure there will ever be a "Maternity Clothes Part 2" but seeing as I'm not yet in the 3rd trimester I want to keep all options open. Who knew that at 24 weeks I would have a pile of maternity clothes that are basically useless to me? These are some things I've learned about maternity clothes - hope it's helpful to other mamas-to-be...

1. Under Belly v. Demi Panel v. Full Panel - what's the diff?
When I first started inheriting maternity clothes from my incredibly sweet & generous friends I received pants and skirts with various "belly panels" and was told that "everyone is different in what they prefer to wear." The Under Belly looked to be the most comfortable - but ohhh ho ho - not so fast! Here's a tip - if you have ANY degree of love handles/muffin top - do NOT stock up on Under Belly anything! They basically push all of the fat up and can press down on your bladder and uterus. They are now my least favorite option. The Demi Panel is much more comfy and the stretchier the pants, the more I enjoy the Demi Panel. However, my #1 favorite is (surprisingly) the Full Panel. When you're only a few weeks or months pregnant it is not really practical. But as soon as your belly starts to pop they are the best. They create a nice shape to your belly (bye bye love handles!) while giving some support. My suggestion is to start off with Under Belly if you are a lucky bitch and don't have love handles or Demi Panel if you're like me and have a few extra inches to manage. Then invest in the Full Panel once you hit about 5 months or so.

2. Underwear
One of the first things I had to do was run out and buy new bras. Luckily, Destination Maternity was having a two-for-one sale and I was able to get 4 awesome bras for a great price. I fell in love with two styles and got a nude & black bra in each. The first style was a slightly padded bra which I need because my headlights have been on since day one of this pregnancy. The second style is a convertible nursing bra. Although I have heard that your boobs can continue to grow as the pregnancy develops (yikes in my case) I thought at least there is the chance I will get to use these once I am nursing. They are completely fine to wear in the meantime and have a "pop down" feature for once the breastfeeding begins.

Underpants are another story... one of my dear friends actually gave me her old maternity underpants. Before you get all skeeved out let me just say this was the best hand-me-down EVER. I use pantyliners almost every day so that makes it feel less skeevy to start with. Additionally - underpants are not cheap and the brand she gifted me are top of the line. They are super super stretchy and comfortable. However, they hit me mid-belly and I'm thinking I will need to start looking into undies that either come all the way up over the belly or that hit way low. I'll get back to you on that one. But I did find that my typical thongs just weren't as fun to wear. Plus, you will probably want to invest in some pantyliners as (tmi alert) there are all sorts of things coming out of your nether regions during pregnancy. 'Nough said there.

3. Dresses
This is a totally subjective category and I think depends a lot on how big your boobs are and how you are carrying. With my 38F boobs and high, big belly - I am having a hard time wearing anything that has a low or deep cut V neck (which were always my favorite style pre-pregnancy). In the very beginning of your pregnancy (pre-12 weeks) you are most likely trying to HIDE your pregnancy (before you know everything is going well and you're ready to share the news) so I think that this has a two-part solution. If your boobs are bigger than your belly - you can go for just about anything that isn't skin tight or super fitted. Once you want to show off the belly and accentuate the fact that you're pregnant (and not just heavier than usual) I am a fan of the dresses that tie under the boobs or create some sort of empire waist. I think creating a division between boobs and belly looks really cute and basically shouts out: I'm preggo, not a Weeble Wobble!

4. Tops
Again, in the beginning I could pretty much get away with some of my looser fitting tops, but as time has gone on all I've wanted is for gigantic, roomy, maternity tops that hang lower. And the lower the better. As I've started wearing pregnancy workout pants just about everywhere (because they are so damn comfortable) I don't want to offend anyone with my suddenly large tushy. That's where the long shirts come in handy. If they can cover your butt, you'll probably feel a bit cuter and draw attention to your skinnier areas (like your calves or ankles if you're lucky enough to avoid swelling). I am excited to invest in some tunics paired with leggings. I have a feeling this will become my winter staple.

5. Where to buy!
I love many of the hand-me-downs I received, but reality is that I am a bit too big for a lot of the clothes I got. Instead of putting tons of money into a maternity wardrobe I opted to shop smart (or, at least, I hope so!). Old Navy Maternity is my favorite store to shop from. I have bought everything online. There are ALWAYS sales and the selection is quite cute. Plus, the prices are completely acceptable. I have also hit up sales at Gap Maternity and Destination Maternity. Although I haven't personally bought from one - there are also plenty of consignment shops (and some online) for great clothes at the right price. My rule of thumb is DO NOT PAY FULL PRICE for any maternity clothes unless you are desperate and need a dress for a wedding or something (which happened to me early on). There is no reason to pay full price as there are always sales and bargains to be had.

Hopefully this advice is somewhat helpful. I have a feeling that as I continue to grow larger and larger there will be a need for a Maternity Clothes Part 2 post, so keep your eyes open for it. In the meantime, remember that comfort is key, but there is no reason to look like a hot mess with the cute, cheap, options out there.

It's a...

I haven't updated my blog like I thought I would and know I should. Partially because I have had lots of mental ups and downs with this pregnancy although everything (EVERYTHING!) continues to go amazingly well. I think I underestimated the after-effects of my missed miscarriage and how much unnecessary worry it would cause along the way.

At 14 weeks, which happened to be Father's Day and our first wedding anniversary (June 19th), I ended up in the ER after spotting. It was pure hell to be sitting in a hospital room, thinking of the sick irony of possibly losing our pregnancy on a day that represented so much hope in our lives. But instead of sinking into deep despair I held onto a feeling deep in my gut. That everything was OK. When they finally wheeled me into the ultrasound room the tech was very matter-of-fact with us. She said, "I can't tell you anything so I'm just going to look around and take pictures and give them to the radiologist who will give them to the ER doctor who will then let you know what's going on." This was when I almost lost my mind. I asked, "You can't even tell us if you see a heartbeat?!" Before answering, she peeked around a little and her apathy quickly transformed to kindness.

"Look, there is your baby and its heartbeat and everything looks perfect." Holy huge sigh of relief. And, the bonus was getting to see our baby so strong and healthy. They thought my (at the time) low-lying placenta could have been the culprit for the spotting and it was something that had to be watched, but as time went on it moved up and I am no longer in danger of placenta previa (a condition where the placenta covers part or all of the cervix and typically requires a c-section).

Two weeks later we opted for a paid ultrasound at a facility near our home. It was then we discovered we are having A GIRL!!!!!!! Although we would've been happy with a boy as well, we both were hoping that our first would be a girl. Randy squeezed my hand so tightly when the ultrasound tech confirmed what I had thought in my gut from the start.

Since then we have seen her one more time at our 20 week ultrasound where it was confirmed, she is, indeed, a girl :) In the past few weeks something amazing has happened on top of all of this. I can feel her kicking. It's the most incredible feeling in the world. It still amazes me that there is this little person growing and developing inside of me. And when I feel her kicks, it reminds me of this miracle.

This weekend we are finishing up painting her room and will set up her crib and get her cloth diapers ready. I will be 24 weeks on Tuesday. I still can't believe it is really happening. Our baby girl is on the way...

Positive Attracts Positive

That’s what my mom always says. Growing up as a kid it was sometimes infuriating to hear. Like when I was in a mopey mood and just wanted to stew in it. But as I got older the phrase began to have more meaning for me. Especially once I started believing I could bring good things my way simply by using principles behind “The Secret.”

If you've been following my story you know that in March, my husband and I began our first cycle of TTC after my D&E. I felt strongly that my attitude would be one of the most important ingredients in a recipe for success. Which isn’t as easy as you think. You start to feel hopeful and believe your “rainbow baby” is on the way and suddenly your mind starts messing with you. Telling you that you’re nuts. You’re 37! It’s not THAT easy to get pregnant.

To focus on the positive, I created a meditation mix for my weekly acupuncture appointments. It included “Visualizing Pregnancy” and a few songs that gave me hope. I never just listened. I would FEEL everything. Celine Dion’s song, “New Day Has Come” literally brought tears to my eyes as the song arcs and breaks into complex harmony (the song is about her own struggle with pregnancy and her son finally being born). Truly feeling that a baby was on the way became much more powerful than my feelings of doubt.

I also armed myself with ingredients that were scientifically semi-proven to help. Acupuncture, yoga, pre-seed, and a DTD (doing the deed) schedule that relied upon my temping and charting. I wasn’t going to just throw this to fate. I was going to do everything I could to make this happen, while keeping my mind in check.

After DTD you enter into the dreaded 2WW – two week wait. All the women on the Babycenter.com December 2011 board were weighing in daily. BFPs were rolling in as was the dreaded Aunt Flo. I was

scheduled to get AF on April 13^th, the day after my husband’s birthday. I became somewhat fixated on how awesome it would be to give him a positive pregnancy test as his present. My obsessing was back in full force. I was pretty sure I was pregnant. My cervical mucus had changed. I had way more gas than normal. My face was as greasy as a pizza. Every day I checked my symptoms against the early signs of pregnancy on countdowntopregnancy.com. They seemed to match up.

Women were POAS-ing (peeing on a stick) as early as 8DPO (days past ovulation) and getting their positive results. Initially I had planned to wait until my husband’s birthday morning, but at 8DPO I couldn’t resist. I had stocked up on a stash of I.C.’s (internet cheapies) and figured I’d go for it.

So, on 8DPO I attempted to POAS on an internet cheapie. The first test I submerged too much of the test strip. The second test I left in too long. The third test I finally did right. I checked the test and BFN.

It felt like a kick in my gut and then some. I couldn’t believe how quickly my feelings of hope turned to that of disappointment. Many women don’t get their BFPs until much later in their cycles, but the amount of HcG needed for an I.C. to show positive wasn’t much.

After pulling myself together I sighed and threw the IC into the trash. Then I froze. The other two tests – the ones I had done wrong – were poking out in the trash with faint positive lines on them. I looked back at the third test. It, too, had a very very very faint positive line on it. Could it be?

My hope was renewed instantly. I took pictures of the test and posted it on Babycenter asking if anyone else saw what I saw. They did. I still couldn’t be too sure. So the next morning at 9DPO I used another IC. Again, the line was very very very faint. Sigh… I decided to pull out the big guns. The expensive pregnancy test. The one that tells it like it is.

PREGNANT.

My eyes immediately welled up with tears. I could not believe it. It was really true. It really worked. I was really pregnant!

I could not bear to wait 3 more days to tell my husband. I wrapped up a set of Minnestota Vikings pacifiers I had purchased in the hopes of getting my BFP and gave them to him as an early birthday present. When he unwrapped them he said, “Oh how cute! For when we have a baby!” And then I said, “Well, here is the other part of your birthday present.” And I handed him the positive pregnancy test. He was in shock.

That was over two months ago. I will be 11 weeks pregnant tomorrow. So far, everything is going perfectly. One part of the "Visualizing Pregnancy" meditation tells you to picture good news coming to you as your pregnancy unfolds perfectly. I could not believe the degree of excitement and positive energy that has surrounded this pregnancy from my midwives to the ultrasound techs.

My hcg levels were completely on track each time I had my blood work done. At 7 weeks we went for our first u/s. The one I was so worried about. But this time, everything was different. As soon as the tech put the u/s device on my belly we saw the baby and its pounding heartbeat. It was gushing at a beautiful and healthy 158bpm. The baby measured spot on. 

We heard its heartbeat last Tuesday. A quick and hearty 174-180bpm. And in another week we go for our 12 week ultrasound. 

I was holding out updating the blog because I didn't want to get too ahead of myself. But I owe it to myself and my baby to document this pregnancy.

I'm still keeping this pregnancy on the down low - for now. After the 12 week ultrasound I will tell more people. And by 16 weeks... if everything continues to go beautifully, I will shout it from the rooftops.

Please send us your positive thoughts, prayers, vibes, karma. Because as we all know by now - positive really does attract positive.

Obsess Much?

Throughout my life I have had a tendency to overthink, overanalyze, and obsess so much I can easily bring myself to the brink of insanity. Pre-husband this was typically 100% boy related. Now that I'm married, the focus of my obsessions has changed. Last year it jumped between wedding/honeymoon planning, creative writing projects, trying to drop 20lbs, and most recently - working through my miscarriage. Whatever my focus at the time, everything else takes a backseat as the blinders on my eyes only allow me to see what's right in front of my face. You need focus and drive to succeed. But at what point does it become unhealthy? At what point do you need to take a breather?

Since we were given the green light to start TTCing this cycle I have been Double O-C. Double O-C was coined by my friend, Michele. It stands for Out Of Control. My current getting knocked up obsession has made me certifiably Double O-C. I am on Babycenter.com not once a day, not twice a day, but multiple points throughout my day. In fact, I found it difficult/impossible to concentrate on anything during my workday last week except for hitting refresh on my browser so I could see what the other December 2011 hopefuls were writing about.

Today is no different. I woke up, read updates on my iphone, made breakfast, read updates on my computer, went to Home Goods, read updates while waiting in the checkout line. And I'm back home. And I promise you as soon as I'm done writing this post I will be back on again. And probably at least 5 or 6 more times before the day is through.

When I would obsess in the past I would give myself a "free pass". No judgments. Because the gratification from obsessing was so enjoyable - it was like my drug. But like with any drug, once you come down, there is a price to pay. In my case, I didn't make the deadline on two of my assignments last week. I am skating on thin ice. Playing with fire. Fill in the blank cliche expression. It's not good.

So how can I quit my habit? Can I even quit my habit? Should I even quit my habit?? Being on babycenter is so addicting because there are so many other women going through the same exact emotions and experiences as I am. It is support at hand all day every day. And I am not ready to give it up.

I know the answer. We all do. It's balance. I have to find it. And maybe I will... tomorrow!

Fertility Drill Sergeant

When my husband and I started ttcing back in July we weren't so formal about it. I'd had an iphone app that "guessed" at my most fertile days based around my period start date and duration. We did it when we felt like it and tried to get it in during those potentially fertile days.

This cycle, everything changed.

I became a drill sergeant. I had a non-negotiable schedule for "doing the deed" and by now I had figured out how to tell if I was at my peak fertility, plus which day I'd most likely ovulated. We were definitely not ttc-ing in the dark anymore. Quite literally. I decided that mornings were our best bet. Sometimes after a rough day at the office the last thing you have energy for is baby-making. I hadn't fully factored in how much work my husband was going to have to put into these attempts. It's not like your typical nookie when you're both in the mood so you go for it. This is different. You may not be in the mood at all, but you better get in the mood and fast. Fertility drill sergeant says, "Drop your pants!"

This round of trying was definitely lacking spontaneity and romance, but it didn't lack in intimacy. For the first time, we were completely locked into the same goal. It's something we both wanted before. But it's something we both want even more now. There was a real emphasis on the "trying" in trying to conceive. We definitely gave it our all. And that's all we could do.

So now it's up to biology, the universe, God, and a little wishful thinking...

I'm Baaaaaack

No, I'm not announcing a new pregnancy, just a new beginning.

I haven't posted in awhile because I had to put my thoughts of TTCing on the back burner while I waited for my cycle to get back to normal. Sure, I could've continued to post about my thoughts and hopes for the future, but I felt like I needed a mental break from thinking so much about it. In the past month+ I didn't lose track of my goals. I've changed my diet to one that will be easier to maintain next time I get a BFP, eating almost entirely organically. And I've been consistently going to my acupuncture treatments. I've been listening to my meditation mp3 (Visualizing Pregnancy) to get myself psyched up.

And a few weeks ago I got my first normal AF since the miscarriage. After feeling disappointed and let down by my body I was able to celebrate it once again. And all of the incredible resiliency that I have inside me both mentally and physically.

I feel as though a switch has flipped. And although there are still some parts of the pregnancy process that scare me (going back to get an u/s, getting bloodwork results, etc) - I have been focusing my energies on all of the excitement I will feel. How everything will go RIGHT this time. That I am lucky. And that our time is coming...

So, I'm feeling hopeful. And working towards getting that BFP...

It is good to be back.

WARNING: This may make you sick to your stomach

My friend, Jen, just posted this article on facebook with a caption that it made her feel sick to her stomach. I couldn't agree more. I have not read the full article, yet, but feel compelled to post it based on the short snapshot I was able to digest before becoming, literally, nauseous.

If this law passed and I lived in GA, I might be in prison right now:

http://motherjones.com/blue-marble/2011/02/miscarriage-death-penalty-georgia

I Can't Hear You. LA LA LA LA!!!

After being in excruciating pain this weekend (it's better today, but I'm not back to normal) and having no real Flo to show for it... I finally called my midwife yesterday.

I needed some insight. Based on my own powers of deduction, I couldn't figure out what to make of the following:

1. Spotting Th, Fr and then off and on Sat and Sun
2. Temperature dropping slowly every day...
3. Extremely sensitive abdomen (my cat stepped on me and I screamed)
4. Painful PAINFUL cramps that kept coming and going...

Sunday I decided to take a HPT. I was pretty sure that if I got a BFP that would not be a good thing. The pain + dropping temperature signified Flo or impending doom for a pregnancy.

The test spat back at me: Not Pregnant

Mixed emotions immediately consumed me. Relief and, of course, disappointment. But mostly relief.

Yesterday I was certain I would see Flo in all her glory... but, nada. Which is what prompted the call to the midwife. She asked me a bunch of questions and then told me she'd call my surgeon and get back to me. She didn't sound concerned (especially since if I had an infection I would have a fever). When she called back she told me that it was most certainly normal. And this was just my first Flo post surgery. I might not see anymore of her this go around. Which is why it is extremely important for us to wait another full cycle before trying to get pregnant.

I immediately became defiant.

"But I'm old!" I told her, ironically sounding like a bratty child.

She calmly told me that my body was obviously not fully ready, yet. And that if we rushed into conceiving again I could very well be met with another unhealthy pregnancy. She pointed out that, in the great scheme of things, waiting one more month was practically nothing. And worth the sacrifice if it would give us a better chance next go around.

I didn't want to hear her. But I did. I heard her loud and clear.

I spent the rest of the day bargaining with myself. If this really was Flo and I don't see her in full force, I will wait. I have to. I owe it to my body and my baby-to-be. But if she shows up to party... well... I might just keep that party going...

Today I am in acceptance mode. That was Flo. And she barely made a blip because my body hasn't healed, yet. I may not look, feel, or act my age - but I am 37 and I need to let my body get as strong as possible before trying again. And so... today... I am listening.

Aunt Flo is a Mother...

My d&e was on Jan 7th. Exactly four weeks later - this past Thursday - I started spotting. Light spotting. Because of our "oops" moment there was a slight chance it was implantation bleeding. If you have implantation bleeding you pretty much spot for 1-2 days. Your temperature may even "dip". Which mine had. So I was in a bit of limbo for the past few days. But since I've been charting I watched my temperature continue to drop yesterday and barely go up today. If I was pregnant, it should have increased significantly...

Thursday spotting. Friday spotting. This morning nothing. But last I checked... it looks like Flo has, indeed, arrived.

OK... here we go, Flo!

I was ready with my mental streamers and balloons to welcome her back, but her arrival has felt a lot less like a party and more like a war. I need my advil soldiers to fight on my behalf, fending off cramps like I have never experienced before.

Usually cramps like this have something to show for them. You feel some progress when those cramps are accompanied by a heavy flow. But she's been taunting me. As I continue to spot lightly, the cramps are wrenching. It feels like I've been confined to a menstrual torture chamber.

I've been scouring the web chat rooms for other women's experiences after a d&e (or d&c) and there are all kinds of stories. Some women have completely normal periods, some have cramps like mine, and others report the heaviest flow they've ever seen. I'm still waiting for Flo's flow, but these cramps are unbelievable.

As I type this post, I sit with a warm body wrap covering my midsection. I've popped 6 advil gelcaps so far and I'm seriously considering the hard stuff. This is rough. But it's worth it. C'mon Flo... let's get this over with so I can get back to charting, back to trying, and back to having hope.

Don't Pop Pills

I just read this disturbing story on msnbc about a pregnant woman who was accidentally given a drug that is used to terminate early pregnancies. The pharmacy gave her some other woman's prescription and she took it (thinking it was her antibiotics), got sick, and was rushed to the hospital. She is 6 weeks along and now may either have a miscarriage or her baby could end up with birth defects.

Here's the article:
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/41481554/ns/health-womens_health/

I have all sorts of thoughts rolling around in my head from, "WHY would a pregnant woman take pills without reading anything on the warning label?" to "HOW could a pharmacy screw up in such a major way and they damn well better figure out a way to compensate this woman." And by "compensate" I don't mean dump a lot of money on her to make things better. But I mean own up to what happened and cover any and all of her expenses to get her special pre-natal treatment.

Lots of pills are unsafe for pregnant women. But this is one mother of a reminder to never ever put anything in your body without going over the label with a fine tooth comb.

Yoga and Fertility

A friend of mine sent me this article the other day:

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/02/06/fashion/06yoga.html?_r=1

I thought it was a good read and opens up a bit of a debate about yoga's role in fertility. My take away is that there is no concrete evidence that practicing yoga has a direct connection to getting yourself knocked up, but it does provide a great environment to relieve stress and keep your mind and body focused on your baby-making intentions.

I'm coming to terms with the fact that there is no magical, wand-waving, quick fix to having a healthy pregnancy. But no matter how long it takes to get there, I must find a way to remain positive. And if yoga helps me feel even the slightest degree of hope - then that works for me.

Damn You, Dr. Laura

While living in NYC for 12 years, my daily commute had a very distinct pattern. Pre-Apple's explosion across society, I would grab my SONY walkman, a mix tape, and pop on my headphones. Years later, my ipod and earbuds. Always plugging my ears with some sort of pleasant soundtrack to transport me to and from my job.

Right before settling into my suburban lifestyle, I realized I would need a new routine. My commute is 45 minutes each way (on a good day) so I had to find something to keep me company. My husband introduced me to Sirius XM - filled with "commercial-free music", stand up comedy, news channels, and call-in shows. Immediately I was drawn to the All 80s All The Time channel. Every once in awhile drifting up to the 90s channel. When needing energy, the Dance Music channel. And when needing a laugh, the Comedy channels.

One day, while flipping through comedy stations I went one station too far and landed on Dr. Laura's advice show. At first, I was appalled at the way she spoke to her callers and, often, the advice she gave them. She sounded incredibly judgmental and extremely right-wing. My politics fall somewhere in the middle, a bit to the left. Extremists at both ends bug me. And she was bugging me for sure.

But there was something about listening to her shows that I found addictive. Perhaps the fact that she could get me so mad that I'd be heckling her from the protection of my car. Perhaps the fact that sometimes, just sometimes, she said something I agreed with. And perhaps, worst of all, the fact that occasionally she would say something that I didn't want to hear, but knew in my heart was right.

Dr. Laura has a famous expression that her callers often say when they introduce themselves. "I am my husband's girlfriend and my children's mom." At first I thought this was odd. But the more I listened, I realized what the point was. Dr. Laura bangs women over the head with how you should treat your husband, not be a bitch, and make him feel loved. Now, I take her advice and perspective with a grain of salt, but I can honestly say that listening to her has made me appreciate my husband more and be a lot less argumentative and nit-picky about stupid crap. One caller was complaining about her husband leaving things all over the house and how she was constantly yelling at him and he kept getting mad at her. Dr. Laura showed no empathy. She simply said, "Why are you such a bitch?" I gasped. Literally gasped. But then I listened to her rationale. This woman was purely focusing on the little stupid annoying things her husband was doing, and giving him a hard time about everything. Dr. Laura asked, "Would you want to come home to you?" To further nail her point, she mentioned a woman who had lost her husband and had told Dr. Laura, "I'd give anything to have my husband leaving his socks all over my floor again." This put things in perspective for me. I have been working much harder at not being bitchy and to make my husband feel loved and appreciated.

But something else Dr. Laura always preaches about has not been as easy to reconcile. It has to do with that, "I'm my children's mom" mantra.

Dr. Laura believes that women should be stay-at-home moms. Period. There is no, "But, I want to balance a career and my kids..." There is no, "But I won't be able to afford my current lifestyle..." There is no room to negotiate at all. Well, there is a tiny bit of leeway. She is OK with dads being at home with the kids, but she still makes it very clear that this is a 2nd best scenario. Nothing is as good as having moms at home with their kids.

Now, let me clarify for a moment that I would LOVE to be a stay-at-home mom. I love my home. I love being at home. I am, and always have been, a homebody. My mom was a work-at-home mom. She works in a creative field and had projects she had to turn in every couple of months. But she was so fast at her craft that she was hardly ever "working" and was most always available for me and my brother. My dream is to do what she did. I'd love to be able to write from home, be with my children, and create a warm and loving environment for them. But... that feels more like a fantasy and far from a reality.

I already feel inadequate and I'm not even pregnant (again), yet. I'm afraid of screwing up my unborn children. I have always had mixed feelings about being a working mom v. a stay-at-home mom... It's been a great debate for many many moms and moms-to-be... Can we be either and still be amazing mothers to our children? Or do we miss out on something... something big... if we can't be there with them all the time?

For me, the debate continues...

Ooops!... I did it again

Perhaps my not-so-subtle title can shed some light on the topic of this post. In case you haven't guessed it, this has to do with trying to conceive (ttc). In my earlier post, "Waiting For Flo" I mentioned how my midwife and surgeon has suggested waiting a bit to start ttc again. The original suggestion was to wait til I'd hung out with Flo twice. But I'm not that patient. We were planning to wait at least until I saw her once. But... ooops!

I'm also still learning about the birds and the bees. Dang. I thought I had it down. I thought you couldn't get pregnant after you ovulated. But then I did a little research post-you-know-what-al and read that a day or so after ovulation is still considered an extremely fertile time! Um... what??

Why do we learn sex ed in 5th grade? Some of us need a refresher course. I think there should be ttc classes for those of us that never quite got all the nuts and bolts of baby-making.

So where does that put us? Well, it's probably a one in a million chance that we got pregnant after this ooops moment. And I have a whole mixture of feelings about it. Obviously - tremendous amounts of excitement that we could be starting back up again. But also a little tentative - I still haven't lost any of the weight I put on from the 1st pregnancy. And I've heard both positive and negative stories about getting pregnant immediately after miscarrying... But you know me. I will focus on the positive.

So, I wait... and visualize... and manifest... and take damn good care of myself.

Be Trendy. Get Pregnant.

I have been fairly good about not being bitter since the loss of our pregnancy. Several of my close friends are currently pregnant with healthy babies on the way and I couldn't be happier for them. I look to them for inspiration. And as mommies-in-training who can shed some light on this whole motherhood thing once I get my shot at it.

However...

I just read on my People Mag iphone app about one celeb's "trendy" pregnancy and had an emotional gag reflex. Yes, in Hollywood there are about 10 gazillion pregnant women right now. And it's ALWAYS a headline in my app updates. At first, I really had a hard time reading about the women "due sometime this summer" because that was supposed to be me. But that doesn't hurt so much anymore. What really irked me was the use of trendy as if pregnancy is the new black. It seemed to demean the energy and effort that goes into baby-making and the fact that some of us can't just snap our fingers and get the latest trend for ourselves.

Maybe I am a little bitter. But only a little.

I Think, Therefore I Am

Before I get all deep here, I want to give a little background on my approach to life. About 3 years ago I read the book, The Secret. At first, I was a total skeptic just like a lot of folks. But, I'm a pretty open-minded person, so I read it and soaked it in. A basic principal is that anything we want from life - we can have. We just have to believe we will have it, be genuinely thankful to the universe for giving it to us (before actually receiving it), and then "manifest" it. One chapter challenges you to to start small. It suggests trying to manifest a cup of coffee or a parking space. I was living in NYC at the time and one of the things I dreaded the most was trying to catch a cab in rush hour or bad weather. I decided that I would try to manifest cabs. I started by convincing myself, "I always get cabs" and would repeat this mantra over and over until I believed it.

No joke, cabs would literally pull over to pick me up before I'd even lifted my arm to hail them. I started to have a lot of fun with my "magic trick" as I would impress friends while attracting cabs in the most unlikely circumstances. One night in particular made me realize there really was something else at work than "magic" per se. It was rush hour and I was standing on one of the worst corners in Manhattan - right near the Holland Tunnel. It was FREEZING out and there wasn't a cab in sight. I repeated my little mantra to myself, "I always get cabs... I always get cabs..." and within a minute, a cab turned the corner and picked me up. As soon as I got inside the cab driver said to me, "The weirdest thing just happened to me." I asked what. And he said, "I was heading in a completely different direction, but then I got a strange feeling like I should turn onto this street. And there you were."

I will never forget that moment. It was then that I truly believed I could manifest anything. After mastering the art of attracting cabs I also manifested an apartment, my husband, and our future home. But those are all stories for another day. Let's talk about today. Today I am working on manifesting a healthy pregnancy.

So what exactly does that entail? I believe I need to surround myself with positive thoughts for the future. I've been picturing my burgeoning belly. Imagining the shared excitement of my husband, parents, in-laws, friends, midwife, acupuncturist, and readers of this blog. I'm thinking about what it will feel like to be so excited to pick out baby clothes. To decorate our baby's room. And eventually to hold our baby in my arms. For that baby to grow into a child. And for our family to begin to take shape.

I downloaded an mp3 last week called, "Visualizing Pregnancy" which is a rather calming and lovely guided meditation. I knew virtually nothing about it when I purchased it (just checked out a clip on itunes), but I liked what I heard. The other day I listened to it in its entirety for the first time and practically burst into happy tears. The woman behind the recording applies all of the principles of The Secret that I've already been trying to do on my own. One thing she stresses throughout is to imagine what it will feel like to have a healthy pregnancy. And, thus, the name of today's blog post. I will continue to think it, and allow it to become real.

Aw, Mittelschmerz!

My husband and I realized the other night how much fun it is to say, "Mittelschmerz!" to each other in our most convincing German accents. Go ahead. Give it a try!

MITTELSCHMERZ!

The notsomuch fun part? Actually experiencing it.

When I was in my early 20's I began suffering from a recurring paralyzing pain in my lower abdomen.  I'd be in the middle of dinner with friends or worse, a date, when the pain would start slowly... creeping up on me with subtle cues. The first sign was as if I had eaten something gaseous. Like a barrel of beans. But the feeling was way more crippling than gas pains. Within a few short moments, my lower body would bloat noticeably and the pain would deepen. Turning a night out socializing into a complete failure. I remember the empathetic looks of concerned friends, suggesting I go to the doctor. I would tell them, "I think I'm ovulating" before I would hobble off and head straight home in a cab, clutching my side as if dying from appendicitis.  My ovulation theory seemed to make the most sense. This started happening almost every month about halfway through my cycle. So I used my deductive nature to piece the clues together. I thought (hoped) this must be normal. And as I recently discovered, it most certainly is.

Mittelschmerz, as it turns out, happens to 20% of women right around ovulation. I've read varying opinions as to what causes it. Could be the egg bursting through the ovarian wall. Could have something to do with follicular growth. One thing is certain - it is nothing to be worried about. In fact, it's a blessing in disguise. Mittelschmerz actually alerts you (in a really painful way) that you're ovulating. And this is important news for anyone wanting to get (or avoid getting) pregnant.

I feel like a bit of an idiot. All these years I thought I knew about my body. But I really didn't. I mean reallllly really didn't.

One of my best friends recommended the book, "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" to get-to-know the not-so-mysterious signs and signals of our bodies. I bought it right when we started trying to get pregnant and barely made it past the first page. I was afraid it was TOO scientific. I got scared. I didn't want to have to THINK about getting pregnant. I just wanted to do what billions of people have done for ages. Sleep with my husband and make a baby. Ta-daaa!

After the miscarriage, I picked the book back up again. I practically devoured the pages, reading the first 60 straight through. It wasn't high science. It was full of "aha" moments. It was here that I first read about Mittelschmerz.

It's amazing the plethora of information that I've learned in the past few weeks. My body has been communicating with me for 20 some-odd years in a language I didn't understand. There was the "gross, disgusting, stuff" that I kept hush-hush about which turns out to be perfectly normal (and healthy) cervical fluid necessary for making babies. Which shows up just prior to ovulation, screaming at you, "we're fertile now"! I learned that sperm can live up to five days, that tracking your "waking temperature" and cervical fluid is the most reliable way to deduce exactly when you're at your peak fertility, and that your temperature goes up anywhere from .4 - 1 degree right after you've ovulated.

I've been tracking my waking temperature every morning with the help of my husband (*as an aside, he's not actually necessary, but it's a nice way to keep the hubby involved). The past few days my temperature was exactly the same: 97.5. And after my "Mittelshmerz" pains on Friday into Saturday I wondered... does this REALLY mean I'm ovulating? Will my temperature increase on Sunday morning? Today my waking temperature was 97.9.

Ta-freaking-daaa!

Baby-making should be fun, spontaneous and enjoyable. But knowing a little bit about your body ain't such a bad thing either.

Wonder Fertility Woman

Since the sting of miscarriage has [mostly] subsided, my focus has been 100% dedicated to bettering my mind and body for our next go-around. I've been reading fertility books, doing Weight Watchers (I gained 10 lbs during the pregnancy), exercising regularly (yoga and The Firm workout dvds), meditating, charting my basal body temperature (bbt) and cervical fluid plus going to acupuncture treatments. Some may think this is all a bit extreme. Obsessive, maybe. Overwhelming, perhaps. I see it as a necessity. Physically, my body may be ready to get pregnant, again. But I must proactively work on getting the emotional part in order.

One of my friends recently complimented me - telling me I was so strong. I like to think so. But I also think that strength is directly tied to resiliency. I have been knocked down many times in the past - mostly during the highs and lows of dating - only to have to force myself to get over it and move on. Although this time, it's not as much about getting over it as it is about getting back up again. We want a baby. And although I am mentally prepping for success, the reality is another miscarriage is not out of the realm of possibilities. One of my dear friends had three in a row before having two beautiful boys. Three! Each time having to manage the disappointment and sadness. And each time having to pick herself back up again and decide she was ready to try again. Resiliency kept her going. And rewarded her with two healthy pregnancies. I need to believe I can manage anything on my journey, while having faith that our next pregnancy will be a healthy one.

So I am eating better, moving more, reading more, believing more. Am I obsessing? I don't think so. I see myself as focused, driven, and dedicated to my next pregnancy. I see myself creating a warm, inviting environment for my future fetus. I see myself as a master in visualizing an adorable baby that looks just like the perfect combo of me and my husband. I see myself moving forward... towards making my future family a reality.

Overheard at the OB-GYN's office

Thursday was a big day for me. Meeting with the midwife, the surgeon who performed my d&e, and going to an acupuncturist who specializes in getting women knocked up. The midwife, as always, put my mind at ease. I have zero regrets about choosing to involve a midwife in our childbirth plans. I had heard there is an extra-added element of emotional comfort. And so far I have had the most incredibly patient, kind, and caring folks to deal with. Including the receptionist for the midwife's office who has had to talk me off the ledge about 10 times. Maria is the face (and voice) of that office and does everything in her power to make you feel cared for and human.

Unfortunately, this was not the case at the OB-GYN's office. In all fairness, the doctor who performed my surgery and who met with me on Thursday was wonderful. Sweet, caring, and patient as well. A young mother herself, she seemed to identify with the loss of a pregnancy. I wish everyone in her office could have a similar sensitivity.

When I walked in for my followup appointment her receptionist did not even make eye contact with me. I scribbled my name on the sign-in sheet and sat down directly across from her "unwelcome" window, waiting for her to acknowledge me. This never occurred. She was focused on her task at hand, making lots of phonecalls to other patients in a somewhat controlled voice. Since I was sitting within earshot I could hear her phonecalls word for word. And suddenly, I realized who she was calling.

"Hi Cassandra, your appointment is tomorrow at 3pm. Don't have anything to eat or drink after midnight. Go to the Same Day Surgery on the 2nd floor of the Main Building..."

A few boring facts that evoked an instant flashback to the phonecall I had received just two weeks earlier. She was calling all of the women who had miscarried and setting up their surgeries. At first, I felt sorry for myself. I immediately remembered the sadness of accepting the loss of my pregnancy. Feelings flooded back that I had managed to either push past or push deep down for the last two weeks. What were the chances that I would be sitting there, within earshot, at the exact time the receptionist would be calling all these women? Didn't she have a clue that someone like me might be sitting in the waiting room? Couldn't she see my discomfort? Why didn't she slide her damn window closed to muffle the words I did not want to hear?

Once I got over my own mixture of anger, sadness, and sick irony, I started to feel something else. Empathy for these other women. And the harsh reality that this receptionist probably made phonecalls like this to women like me several times a week. There are so many of us. So many women who were so happy to have conceived... so happy to be growing a baby in her belly... and then so sad to have her hopes suddenly destroyed by miscarriage. It made me think not only about the phonecalls that receptionist has made in the past - probably thousands - but the phonecalls she will make in the future.

My midwife told me that 1 in 5 pregnancies ends in miscarriage. She said it's a lot more than you'd ever think. But once you have one - you realize there are so many other women out there, just like you. Instead of looking at miscarriage like an epidemic, I'd rather think about the community that we can, and should, create. Those of us who have gone through it can help the others who may one day experience it themselves. We need to be here for each other. And not keep our miscarriages tucked up inside. We should be able to talk about them, share our feelings, and most importantly - move on.

Thursday evening's appointment at the acupuncturist renewed my feelings of hope. She was an OB in China, but for the past 11 years she has solely performed acupuncture in the US. Mostly on women with fertility problems or who have had miscarriages. Her walls were covered with letters and pictures of all of the babies she helped bring into the world. Part way through my treatment, she told me to look at the wall and picture my letter up there. I smiled to myself and told her, I already had.

Waiting For Flo

When you're trying to get pregnant, Aunt Flo is the dreaded enemy. Every month you cross your fingers that she's spared you. Every day without a sign of her is a good day. And once you get pregnant you hope she stays the hell away. Because our pregnancy had such cryptic signs in the beginning I was constantly checking my underwear and toilet paper for a glimpse of Flo. I never spotted during my ill-fated pregnancy. Not once.

Today, things are different. Flo is like my long lost friend I've recently reconnected with on facebook. I am waiting for her arrival day after day after day. This time, she will have a long awaited homecoming. Imaginary streamers, balloons, and fireworks for Flo.

Although many people are not emotionally ready for awhile after a miscarriage, we are. We are so ready that we would start trying again today if it was doctor approved. Technically, we could get pregnant right now. But it's not advised. You should let your body recover, let the uterus shed what it needs to and allow the lining build back up (note: these are not actual medical facts - just what my brain processed at the midwife's office this morning). My midwife (and surgeon) both said we should wait a full cycle. As in... ovulate... get Flo... ovulate... get Flo... and THEN start trying. I balked at this instantly. I'm 37. My husband is about to be 44. We're no spring chickens. My midwife smiled and said we didn't have to wait a full cycle. She said it was O-K to start doing it after we got Flo.

So I wait... patiently...

PS. My two weeks of "nothing in vagina" is officially over. Hoorah for tampons once Flo shows up!

Granny panties and sanitary napkins

During my 8ish weeks of pregnancy I realized that, at some point, I would most likely have to transition out of my daily thong to something a little more practical. I fantasized about stocking up on full coverage Hanky Panky's - a lacy and comfortable alternative. Those dreams were quickly put on hold when I found out about my missed miscarriage. Underpants would still be a theme. Just not the kind I'd been dreaming about.

The day of my d&e I packed a bag to bring along to the surgery. I wasn't really sure what to expect, but had a feeling I might not be prancing around in my thong afterwards. I have two separate underwear drawers. One for my thongs and the other for my backup "granny panties". Most of them are stretched to capacity - the elastic barely flexing. Why I kept them all these years is a mystery, but that day I was thankful for the stash. I picked out a pair without holes that had somehow remained in tact for the last 10 years and threw it into my bag.

After the surgery I slipped on my oversized panties with a maxi-pad I had brought with me just in case. I should've known this was not a "just in case" situation. This was a "welcome back maxi-pads" moment. Which was confirmed when I received very clear instructions on my discharge sheet:
Nothing in vagina for two weeks

Besides the obvious, this also meant that I needed to do the unthinkable and actually stock up on sanitary napkins. I hadn't worn a pad since middle school. And the memories were not good ones. As I scanned the "feminine hygiene" section at Super K-Mart I realized I remembered nothing about wearing pads except for the discomfort. Did I need long, regular, heavy, winged, thin, super long, super fragrant, super compact...? I stood in the aisle for 10 minutes without a clue. Not only did I not know what to expect out of these pads, but I didn't know what might be coming out of my body. I had some light bleeding right after the surgery, but wasn't sure if it would increase or decrease. Would it be like a full-blown period? Light spotting? Would I need to change the pad every couple of hours? I finally realized I had no choice but to buy a medley of sizes, shapes, and brands. When I got home and looked at my pile of pads my visions of sexy maternity underwear slipped away and two weeks of humiliation, sticky pads, and wedgies came into view.

One full day of wearing long, winged pads and I was over it. There was no way I could wear pads every day for two weeks. No way what-so-ever. Luckily, in my buying spree, I had picked up a package of "thong panty liners" - probably the greatest invention in pad history. My bleeding was very light to practically nothing at all. I needed something, but I didn't need a diaper.

I opened my preferred underwear drawer and reacquainted myself with my good pals, the Hanky Panky original rise thongs. It's amazing how something so small can make such a big difference. I felt a little more human and a little closer to normal. And suddenly, the next two weeks didn't look quite so bleak after all.

We Wanna Be Parents

My husband and I were hitched in June 2010 - just a little over 6 months ago. He's in his early 40s and I'm in my (sigh) late 30s. We're both childless, but have both always pretty much wanted kids. I'm the kind of person that attracts kids like a magnet. Usually, they are completely unaware of the age difference between us and think I am there not to socialize with their parents, but to play with them. It's been like this ever since I stopped being a kid myself. And because of it, I've always dreamed of the day when I would have children of my own.

My husband wanted us to start trying while we were engaged. But having been told many years ago that I was "very fertile" I was afraid we'd get lucky and I'd wind up barefoot and pregnant on my wedding day. I wasn't afraid of the social stigma, but rather the fact that once pregnant you cannot be on a diet. And in order to look somewhat decent in my wedding dress I had to drop a few pounds - not put them on. We decided I would go off the pill on our honeymoon and start trying straight away, which we did.

Month after month I continued to receive my dreaded monthly gift aka Aunt Flo aka the curse aka my period and I was constantly disappointed. And fear started to seep in. I'm not 27, I'm 37. You hear all the dreaded statistics. Could it be that we would have fertility problems? What if I couldn't get pregnant? Month after month I was taunted by the possibilities... until... the faint blue line.

The day after Thanksgiving, after 3 negative pregnancy tests earlier that week, I was a 8 days late for my period and finally got a faint positive line on my pregnancy test. When I say faint I mean it was BARELY there. If I held the test up in the exact right light at precisely the correct angle, you could see it. The line was there. I made my husband rush out to the store to get another test. This one was pretty clear. Instead of a plus sign it screamed at us: "PREGNANT"!

I almost couldn't believe it. After the months of disappointment, here was the big thumbs up we were hoping for. But how was it physically possible? We had only done it TWICE in November. He had started a new job and I was in a diet and fitness kick. We were constantly exhausted and had put our "ttc" attempts on the backburner. And yet... here we were... PREGNANT!

As quickly as the excitement started to sink in, so did the possibilities that something was not right with this pregnancy. I went to my midwife for a blood test to confirm the pregnancy and was told that my hcg levels were low. Which was concerning. Low hcg levels can mean a slow to develop pregnancy. An ectopic pregnancy (where the fertilized egg never makes it out of the fallopian tube - something that happened to my husband and his ex-wife) or a blighted ovum where a sac develops but an embryo never does. It could also mean there is a chromosomal abnormality. Quite instantly, I started to feel my heart sink. I felt in my heart like something was wrong.

A second blood test confirmed my hcg levels had risen - they are supposed to double every 24-48 hours and they had. Hooray! We scheduled my first ultrasound which was due to take place around 8 weeks. And now, disappointment #2. As I got onto the table and the tech began to look around, she only saw an empty sac. I appeared to only be 5 weeks pregnant. Not 8.

She told us that it could be a blighted ovum. But that she would give our pregnancy the benefit of the doubt. We had to come back in a week to know for sure. In a healthy pregnancy within a week there is a lot of change. If all was okay, we should see something that following week.

Those 7 days were horrible. I was depressed every day. Literally waiting to miscarry. I am not a negative person. I am always looking for the positive and always believing the best will come. But during those 7 days, I could not see anything positive. I was convinced we had a blighted ovum. But then - two days before Christmas - we saw an embryo and its heartbeat! I was in shock. The tech was so happy for us, but was quick to tell us we were not out of the woods. She dated us at 6 weeks. Which could be fine. Or there could still be a problem. She reminded us that a slow to develop embryo could be a chromosomal abnormality. There it was again. That damned dread. They needed to see us again two weeks later. January 6th. A day after my 37th birthday.

If you've been feeling the ups and downs of my journey, you can imagine what I was going through. The highs, the lows, the highs and then... we hit another low. And this one was about as low as you can go. January 6th, at our 3rd ultrasound, the tech looked around and around and around and did not see what we were hoping to see. She told us that the baby stopped growing and there was no more heartbeat. The doctors refer to it as a "missed abortion" but I've heard "missed miscarriage" and prefer that expression. It seems that after our little miracle of seeing a heartbeat it was only a matter of days or possibly even hours before our baby stopped growing.

They scheduled me for a "d&e" on Friday - two days ago. And since then, I have been (as you can imagine) a mixed bag of emotions.

Thursday was pure sadness. Crying... crying... and more crying. Have you ever watched the show, "The Locator"? It's a tear jerker. And was basically my free therapy for the day. There was a Locator marathon on and I cried about every 20 minutes for the entire day. I was afraid to go to sleep that night. Was I going to trick myself into thinking I was still pregnant? Was I going to wake up with a start and remember the nightmare that had become our reality?

Friday morning I awoke to a surprising feeling of peace. This baby was not meant to be. It just wasn't. From the start, there seemed to be something wrong. From that faint blue line. To the low hcg levels. To the small sac... I hoped and prayed and wanted everything to be fine. But it wasn't. And now I had to deal with the reality. I had to accept what happened.

I do not judge anyone else who has been through what I have and if it has taken you longer to grieve and cry and be depressed. You must go through your own grieving process at the pace that is healthy for you. My journey was to stop grieving after having been distressed for so long. My journey was to finally be at peace and to stop worrying and wondering and looking back. My journey was to look forward - starting on Friday.

The hospital staff was incredibly sensitive, human, and delicate. I was completely knocked out for the d&e. Which I am incredibly thankful for. I have been in minimal physical pain since. And, emotionally, I am feeling good. Hopeful. And excited for what is to come.

I am still sad for our loss. And I may always have some sense of that loss. Our first pregnancy that was not meant to be. But I also realized something. That this was a part of my journey. And getting through it just means I am one step closer to meeting my future baby.

I have started this blog to document the rest of my journey. The fertility methods I am currently reading about. The fitness I hope to achieve this go around. The closeness I continue to develop with my husband. The ups and downs. The good, bad and ugly. All that and a bag of chips (or brownies, or ice cream or pizza or whatever you may crave once you get knocked up - my cravings were out of control). Please join me on my journey and share your stories - I'd love to hear them.

-wbm