While living in NYC for 12 years, my daily commute had a very distinct pattern. Pre-Apple's explosion across society, I would grab my SONY walkman, a mix tape, and pop on my headphones. Years later, my ipod and earbuds. Always plugging my ears with some sort of pleasant soundtrack to transport me to and from my job.
Right before settling into my suburban lifestyle, I realized I would need a new routine. My commute is 45 minutes each way (on a good day) so I had to find something to keep me company. My husband introduced me to Sirius XM - filled with "commercial-free music", stand up comedy, news channels, and call-in shows. Immediately I was drawn to the All 80s All The Time channel. Every once in awhile drifting up to the 90s channel. When needing energy, the Dance Music channel. And when needing a laugh, the Comedy channels.
One day, while flipping through comedy stations I went one station too far and landed on Dr. Laura's advice show. At first, I was appalled at the way she spoke to her callers and, often, the advice she gave them. She sounded incredibly judgmental and extremely right-wing. My politics fall somewhere in the middle, a bit to the left. Extremists at both ends bug me. And she was bugging me for sure.
But there was something about listening to her shows that I found addictive. Perhaps the fact that she could get me so mad that I'd be heckling her from the protection of my car. Perhaps the fact that sometimes, just sometimes, she said something I agreed with. And perhaps, worst of all, the fact that occasionally she would say something that I didn't want to hear, but knew in my heart was right.
Dr. Laura has a famous expression that her callers often say when they introduce themselves. "I am my husband's girlfriend and my children's mom." At first I thought this was odd. But the more I listened, I realized what the point was. Dr. Laura bangs women over the head with how you should treat your husband, not be a bitch, and make him feel loved. Now, I take her advice and perspective with a grain of salt, but I can honestly say that listening to her has made me appreciate my husband more and be a lot less argumentative and nit-picky about stupid crap. One caller was complaining about her husband leaving things all over the house and how she was constantly yelling at him and he kept getting mad at her. Dr. Laura showed no empathy. She simply said, "Why are you such a bitch?" I gasped. Literally gasped. But then I listened to her rationale. This woman was purely focusing on the little stupid annoying things her husband was doing, and giving him a hard time about everything. Dr. Laura asked, "Would you want to come home to you?" To further nail her point, she mentioned a woman who had lost her husband and had told Dr. Laura, "I'd give anything to have my husband leaving his socks all over my floor again." This put things in perspective for me. I have been working much harder at not being bitchy and to make my husband feel loved and appreciated.
But something else Dr. Laura always preaches about has not been as easy to reconcile. It has to do with that, "I'm my children's mom" mantra.
Dr. Laura believes that women should be stay-at-home moms. Period. There is no, "But, I want to balance a career and my kids..." There is no, "But I won't be able to afford my current lifestyle..." There is no room to negotiate at all. Well, there is a tiny bit of leeway. She is OK with dads being at home with the kids, but she still makes it very clear that this is a 2nd best scenario. Nothing is as good as having moms at home with their kids.
Now, let me clarify for a moment that I would LOVE to be a stay-at-home mom. I love my home. I love being at home. I am, and always have been, a homebody. My mom was a work-at-home mom. She works in a creative field and had projects she had to turn in every couple of months. But she was so fast at her craft that she was hardly ever "working" and was most always available for me and my brother. My dream is to do what she did. I'd love to be able to write from home, be with my children, and create a warm and loving environment for them. But... that feels more like a fantasy and far from a reality.
I already feel inadequate and I'm not even pregnant (again), yet. I'm afraid of screwing up my unborn children. I have always had mixed feelings about being a working mom v. a stay-at-home mom... It's been a great debate for many many moms and moms-to-be... Can we be either and still be amazing mothers to our children? Or do we miss out on something... something big... if we can't be there with them all the time?
For me, the debate continues...
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